week 14|2017: on women + dating/relationships

Posted on by kelley

frolove

I feel like I haven’t talked to you all in awhile. Hi! I’ve been reposting worthwhile reads, but I know I have been a bit M.I.A. with engaging and sharing thoughts of my own. Siiigh.. tis life. The below is not my own, but I echo the sentiments. (Feel free to read the passage now. I’ll wait..)

as women, we are often shamed into loneliness.
told that requiring anything is asking too much.
so we choose silence, over ourselves, as to not be read as lonely, desperate, needy, “thirsty”.
because apparently needing anything in particular other than sex makes you undesirable.
choose someone who listens when you speak,
who hears you when you talk,
someone who you can ask things of and not feel the shame that comes from feeling like you’re asking too much.” –@keyballah

What do you think? I think we all, men and women, harbor some residuals from past relationships and dates – whether good or not so good. One thing I recognize that shadows me e v e r y time I meet someone new is apprehension of sharing for fear of.. rejection? Yea, maybe. A stranger knowing too much and using it against me? For sure. Looking thirsty? Not really, actually. I think we’re all a bit fearful of our feelings getting disregarded by (undeserving) partners + prospects. Again. I just know that being honest is worth it because hey, people are going to judge you regardless, right? I’d rather be judged by who I am/my truth than a false representation any day. And I promise you that the handful of men that I’ve ever taken seriously know exactly how I felt during our relationships and when things ended. And even though it didn’t ever feel great ending it, they all know where my heart was and I don’t regret being vulnerable and telling them the truth. It’s helped me practice discernment, learn more about myself and have a bit more fun dating.

All in all, even though it may be scary to possibly have your ego/heart/feelings shattered, it’s worth it as you make your way to the one(s) that will hold dear you and your realness. I definitely appreciate real ones in a world that promotes highly edited ig #relationshipsgoals; the “couples” could just be bed buddies! Or models at work. How do we ever know??!

Dating can suck, but cheers to love!

[photo borrowed from the internet]

❤

51 thoughts on “week 14|2017: on women + dating/relationships”

  1. Dating for me has become more of a chore than something fun, exciting and somewhat meaningful. Being a person of color, I dealt with the negatives of what dating shouldn’t be, in the terms that the dates weren’t interested, honest or responsible with other person’s feelings. And here’s that’s the weird part began, when I literally stopped looking for a date for a weekend to not feel alone, I went alone to the movies, or to the pubs or bars, or to the parks trying to understand my loneliness better in a world that there’s always company for other people. The most important part of it is once I stopped looking, someone else was looking at me and the rest is history. Feelings are important, intuition is critical, you can trust your heart but don’t use it when you feel lonely or desperate or need some meal ticket to get out of a situation that you cannot get out of. I saved myself so many times that I can’t count, and I think God was telling me, okay, I will send you one who can tend to your needs, mend your heart and forget your past. Women has needs, period! Why Black women have to be treated differently when it comes to meaningful, positive and enlightening relationships?

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    1. You said it, Omay! Thank you for sharing your testimony. I think we humans make dating and relationships much more complex than they are. I also find that people don’t take honesty well or give honestly enough; there’s always an ulterior motive or a sidepiece! A back up plan for a back up plan. And we are trying to make it work with people we KNOW just don’t fit.

      The same happened for me: someone found me when I wasn’t “looking”.. but he’s jaded, like so many men AND women are these days, and in need of some patience. And healing. I question if I’m the one who can help him move past the hurt. Time will tell! We are having fun in the meantime.

      Thanks again for tuning in.

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      1. I hope everything goes well for you. For me it was the other side. I was the hurt person, he is my healer in every aspect of it. I’m glad.

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      2. Both you and Omay’s feedback resonate with me so much. As Omay said, dating isn’t an exciting, meaningful experience anymore for me. It’s rather painful, if being honest.

        I naturally blame everything on social media so please forgive me as I proceed to do so lol. Social media has really heightened the lack of tolerance and patience with many people; nor do they seem to have any substance. I feel as if I’m staring into space when I look at these men across the table from me. It’s damn near depressing; the thought of people having been irreversibly ruined by a lack of social skills and genuineness.

        I long for companionship at times when I’m on my solo dates; but longing for it when I’m in the company of others feels much worse. And when I DO find someone that I might be remotely interested in, I’m afraid that they (similar to how you feel) might question whether they are the right person to usher me past the doubt (not so much “hurt” for me personally). I think I’ll just stick to “dating” my blog family :/ lol

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        1. I get it. Many of us feel jaded. Many are using social media as a front to glorify the parts of themselves they like best when they’re really kind of sad and shitty on the inside. Being super active conversing online yet lacking those same skills during a face-to-face encounter. A huge pet peeve of mine is seeing you like a photo or post something before giving me any response via text/phone call! OMG it takes the same amount of time, no? Everyone is just so afraid of something real (because it’s been taken away before? perhaps) ..or they believe there is always someone better. I don’t know. I’m co-captain of the single forever club if you want in. Thanks for sharing your testimony.

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        2. Social Media has become a false advertising door to “meeting” people. It basically judge it depending on your looks, your words and maybe your attitude. Men always look for diamonds, but they can’t search from coal, because they don’t want to get their hands dirty (It also applies to women). Social skills are lacking these days and so far even thought I’m shy and I have social anxiety sometimes, I just go past it and try to have a good time even by myself or meeting someone. The thing is that when you go to a bar or a pub or a restaurant (like Applebees, Chillis, or any other) go to the bar area and take a look around. There’s guys but instead of talking to themselves, they’re with both hands on their phones, unable to at least do the first step in meeting someone just for chatting. That’s what happens with dating these days, they judge by the photo instead of how charming this person would be.

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          1. Agreed! SO sadly true. Many men’s egos are extremely fragile as well, so they would rather play it safe than approach a women they’re attracted to for fear of rejection or heartbreak later down the line. And online is always safe because you have the privacy to share fractions of yourself, or even an entire facade of a person. And you can revise a perfect response 10x before hitting “send” instead of having to give a candid answer on the spot.

            It’s a mess, really, for those who can see through the nonsense and for those who use it as a tool to share just enough of their persona to get looks and likes.

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    1. It’s the way that society view Black women today. They can have kids, do it on their own even if they don’t have the energy to do so, be independent or have a false sense of independence but they cannot be loved, respected, held, being treated like something vulnerable, something of value, something that can be given her the world and leave her heavy burden behind. Instead, we’re carrying it for no reason, other than we have the assumption of being “strong” women. That’s why for every disappointment, heartbreak, tears, our hearts becomes hard and set into stone. The thing is it’s never too late for women to discover their self-value and their self-esteem to then if the time is right to find a man that can respect her stance.

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  6. Well, …..as an “older” woman who has “dated” many men, black, white, Hispanic, Irish (black hair, blue eyes) I have to say that it has only been over the last 20 years that I have learned to expect respect, concern for my well-being and true interest in me as a person. Which means that my “dates” have dwindled. When I ask not to be called “Baby” or “darling” when we have just met, I get attitude, as if they won’t be bothered with remembering my name. When I say I am a writer, I get “uh huh” as a response. When going to a movie he wants to sneak in his own popped pop corn. And waiting to become intimate, well seems that my body ceases to be mine. But trust me, I have accepted these types of relationships most of my life. I had major surgery when I was 45 and I discovered that my female body should be worshipped because of what it can endure, and a few years after that I had an older woman ask me if the men I dated made me feel “Precious”. That opened my eyes the rest of the way. I am not bitter. I just know now that if a man is not interested in my feeling “Precious” to him, then I can step back, or not, depending on how happy I want to be. It can be lonely but I feel much better about myself. Hey, thanks so much for your post and for letting me comment.

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    1. Elva! Thank you so much for your testimony. I teared up a bit reading it! The lonely nights and taking yourself out on dates is worth much more than having someone for the sake of saying you have someone.

      I also have to keep that in mind, feeling precious. It should feel good, the energy. The conversations. That no matter if we’re right there next to one another or 1000mi apart, he will still love and respect me and honor our relationship.

      Thank you! I will remember and apply this notion.

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  7. Wow that passage got to me in the gut and the heart. Thanks for sharing this piece along with your words as well. I’ve always felt like I was doing too much when I expressed how I felt with no regard to rules or thirst. And sometimes, I have to be honest… I still cringe at some of my past actions but then I try to remind myself that I was being real and honest and vulnerable in that moment and there’s nothing wrong with that. I wrote somewhere (and I am paraphrasing a little) that “my heart is made for love, not riddles” and it’s nice to get that reminder yet again.

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    1. Of course. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it. It’s amazing how these days, people want your time, space and energy -your more valuable bits- but won’t make anything serious or official. Ready to flee at the first sign of discomfort.

      And ah my heart, too, is made for love, not riddles. I’ll keep that with me. Thank you.

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  9. Pingback: *cries* I like a boy – Sarah's Point of View

    1. That is how I feel. Almost every time I let my guard down, I’m shown again why it’s up so high!

      We all have issues, Cliff. It’s all about finding someone who can see the good/god in you despite them.

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      1. I truly agree. But that’s another thing I am kind of scared of. People (women) see the god in me and may like me, but like me or force theirself to like me because they see what I have done, am doing now and the things I am going to do in the future. I don’t mean anything by force because I am a naturally likeable guy but I don’t know if I can write that to make any sense. But it’s like more of a leech thing.

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        1. Nah I feel you. There are a ton of sad people looking for an easy come up or just some good energy to absorb without giving anything/much in return. So you kinda keep your eyes open while keeping your heart open. And use lots of discernment.

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          2. Typical man!

            Nah, seriously. There is fine line between the two. I mean you have to use discernment and go with your gut. But also use discernment when you feel your time + energy is being used. In a bad way. Just do what feels right and see what happens; I think that will feel better than wondering what if.

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  11. Good post! Pardon what follows as it will be a bit unstructured, I just want to convey my thoughts.

    I thank heavens I am not single. And then some days I wish I was single. I toggle back and forth between these two extremes. Being in a relationship is cool because there is always someone to talk to, someone who cares, someone to dine with, and most of all … regulated sex. But for some of those reasons: relationships get boring mighty fast. I have come to the conclusion that one partner cannot fulfill a person. Maybe “fulfillment” itself is a faulty concept. Maybe monogamy is an absurdity and love should be like a river and be more free flowing.

    The reason I am glad I am in a relationship is because I read some of these comments. I hear the stories. And goddamn. It sounds scary. And I am lazy .. I would hate to have to re introduce myself to another woman and tell her what I like, dont like, etc. I would tell her to ask my ex gf for notes or some shit lol. I have been off the market so long I dont even know how to approach women anymore. I probably never did (THAT is probably my angle … the whole clumsy nerd not really trying to holla thing lol). I would probably remind women of their fathers when I show up wearing a kangol hat and start talking about communism lol.

    I feel like every relationship is going through some kind of dilemma where one or both of the people is unhappy etc. Maybe the problem is that we are handcuffing too much and it should be more voluntary. Idk. Times change and people change, so love is not a stable, one time commitment we make at an altar.

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    1. Ah, thank you for sharing your testimony, Darryl. You always add something valuable to the conversation.”Times change and people change, so love is not a stable, one time commitment we make at an alter.” This! This resonates the most.

      Even though I have been in a few serious relationships, I never felt the desire to leave but didn’t. That is peculiar to me. I just end things when I want out and I’m quite sure the men who have broken things off with me felt the same. We realize when things are not working or that our run is up, and that’s fine; you can find what you want/need in a partner in MANY people and hopefully in yourself as well. I am at a point where I enjoy the company of a man, but it’s not an essential, but a bonus.
      Single is not so bad, although my period makes me lonely one or two nights of every month lol! Media often makes it seem like finding love is the ultimate goal when we all know we can also find true love in short-term relationships, travel, art, friends, volunteering. I am so fulfilled in most areas of my life that I cannot and will not harp on a man or relationship of any kind that isn’t working + will not work. I believe many people are unfulfilled and latch on to a person hoping to fill a void or out of boredom or fear-sadly sometimes just to carry a title, save money or save face. These reasons are also why I think many relationships end; people are not happy, fulfilled or whole-feeling on their own; the love is gone, but… Hence why some guys jump from woman to woman and why some women are always “boo’d up” with a new beau. But, time and time again, the “love” doesn’t last but a minute. I hope this makes sense, as I am just conveying my thoughts as well.

      An old friend of mine said something like “being in love is about me choosing you and you choosing me every day.” I believe that it could/should really be that simple.

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      1. Damn. Beautiful and true. Absolutely true. Nothing to add. A rarity for me as a motormouth! Lol. Kelley, how DARE you be a black woman with short hair content with being single and finding fulfillment in traveling and art !?!?! 😀 A complete affront to everything this society stands for! ✊

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        1. LOL thank you! I mean I could curl up in bed and cry about the shituations I’ve endured, and sometimes do, but the good always always always outweighs the bad! And I am celebrating that.

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    2. Also, as if I didn’t say enough, Abra has a song with lyrics something like “nothing lasts forever, but we got something here. Wouldn’t you say?” Like we know they might fall out of love, but give it a try for now and for as long as it feels right. I prefer partnering a man with that mindset.

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