Many gems were dropped this weekend at 4:45, a conversation and art exhibition. The theme was the state of relations between Black women and Black men with back burner influence from The Carters'(Bey and Jay) upcoming tour and their past albums: Lemonade and 4:44. Although I’ve yet to listen to either album, I like how the host tied it all together to moderate such a necessary conversation.
I always desire to see more brothers present in these spaces, but we were lucky to have Free on the panel. Like I said, there were gems all over, but when asked what is healing? What is healing? We hear the word so much but what IS it??, Free simply said “honesty is healing”. Y’all, that statement stuck. It’s my biggest takeaway from this experience.
I take it literally: if you are honest with yourself, you will heal. Honest means finding and admitting the roots of your issues. It means knowing why certain things make you angry or why you feel so empty. It means no one will get a smile out of you today because, dammit, you just don’t have the energy to give one. Being honest is saying no when you want to say no and saying yes when you want to say yes. Honesty is sharing these truths with your tribe so they know what tf is up.
Simple enough, right??
Wrong! I understand we wear different masks in different settings, but when it comes to a point where you cannot even remove it in the presence of the ones who (are supposed to) accept you or in your home, that’s a problem. The truth behind the mask is silenced. And too many of us are not honest that there is an actual issue… or we’re dishonest about what the issue is or how it affects us. Then comes the burnout, the exhaustion and resentment from having to be someone you’re not.
The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.-Oprah Winfrey
Whyyyyyy do we do this? I say because it’s familiar, comfortable. Maybe all we know is pain or silence. Maybe we are fearful of being left alone in the darkness if we are more truthful about who we are, what hurts us and what we want. I’ve been that little girl, scared to tell my grandma my shoes were too tight for fear of being given something to cry about. (Her words.) I’ve been that young woman, treading lightly—careful not to mention my big goals, just so I could get a second date. Pretty sad, right. The good thing that I learned early (early 20s) is that yes, people will be intimidated by women who are intelligent, confident, articulate, headstrong and ambitious who (seemingly) don’t need them. BUT it will intrigue others who are secure with themselves—men who know they can be a good friend, a dependable partner and a great lover. The vibe is similar for those platonic friends or business acquaintances you attract.
The result of 4:45 is to recognize what we need and give whatever that is to ourselves which, of course, will allow others to pour into us properly. This work is a continuous evolution, a never-ending commitment to bettering ourselves and growing. Black men and Black women are invaluable to one another, but we have to put in the work to maintain positive bonds, and I think the work starts with being honest. As mentioned in a recent post, you can’t heal what you don’t reveal, right.
What do you think, family? How do you define healing? What could we use most right now? What could you use most?
black|burgundy 
Great post! It’s definitely food for thought. I think healing is the place you arrive at when you finally realize that there’s strength in admitting your weaknesses.
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Right. Admitting “faults” and acknowledging where you can improve is something many adults cannot and will not put in the work to do.
Thanks for the love! I appreciate you taking the time to read + share your thoughts.
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Listen. You know I’m all about this. Also, I think you should listen to both albums…in order. I know it’s a little mainstream for you, but it really does creatively show how to be authentic with oneself through music. I’m not a Beyonce fan really, but Lemonade as brilliant. I like Jay, but I have like five other rappers I’d listen to, buuuut, 4:44 was good. I listen to it often.
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Dr. G is a G, y’all. Thank you! I will definitely have to be in a mood to listen to them, and know that’ll be due to your suggestion 😁
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Would love to discuss your writing services. Awesome read! dmoss@hbcuconnect.com
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Thanks so much! That means a lot. Please email me what you have in mind: SuchHighStandards@gmail.com
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Thank you!
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“I take it literally: if you are honest with yourself, you will heal.”
I wholeheartedly agree with this. This is a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing!
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Of course. Thank YOU
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You are most welcome.
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It is easier to swallow a lie whole, than to nibble on truth incrementally.
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This is true.
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I hate to quote myself, but this is all I’ve got Queen.
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Then learn to not hate it.
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Yes ma’am.
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Honesty is freedom definitely rings a bell when reading this post. We need honest dialogue within the black community about our pain, needs/ desires etc but a conversation with the shared goal of emancipation from all oppression. All parties would have to be willing to understand from the others perspective and accept the nuances of our oppression on all black bodies. I think it would have to include an analysis of the past too so we can make a better future as a community.
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I absolutely agree with you. But people fear the past.. and they’re comfortable enough now to not want to ruffle any feathers.
It’d be a glorious day if and when it ever happened though! Thanks for your insightful comment.
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Yes people are afraid of the past because it forces them to look at themselves & society from a different lens. But we can hope haha!
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There’s always hope!
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Honesty is the best solution. If we were to be completey honest with ourselves and stuck to our convctions, our circle would be so small. And there is nothing wrong with that.
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So true! but people can’t handle their own ugly and project it onto others, expecting them to accept something they won’t!
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Honesty is such an important and often overlooked road to healing. Sometimes it’s painful but truth really does set you free. Ephesians 6:14 admonishes is to “Stand firm, therefore, with the belt of truth fastened around your waist, wearing the breastplate of righteousness.” When we are honest in all things we can truly begin the healing process. We are assured of Jehovah God’s blessings if we are truthful as He is a God of “spirit and truth” (John 4:23).
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True indeed. Thanks for reading and sharing a word.
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I think of healing as being able to retell an experience that caused you pain without reliving (or feeling) that past hurt or trauma. So, of course, I agree with your idea of healing being birthed by honesty. But it also can be crippling because many of us are taught “what happens in this house stays…” or go years without being comfortable with expressing ourselves out loud. It took me a long time to figure out how to be honest with myself about some aspects of my mother’s past relationships. So, unfortunately, I recreated those things in my own life until I realized that she/I deserved more than what we required from our significant others. Anyway, this was a great read. Thanks for posting!
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Of course. We, Black people, have a ton of unlearning to do. And like you said, it may take years to get there. As long as we’re aware, open to healing and continue to try, right?
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
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Very true!
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