week forty: on relationships + compromise

Posted on by kelley

An old classmate of mine (let’s call him Vick, ’cause it rhymes with..) said he’d never compromise in relationships because he’d never get what he wanted 🤔

Huh?

Of course since we were in our early 20s and not four year olds at the time, my head went straight to a. he must either be an only child, b. the only boy child, c. the youngest child, or d. the middle child. Even if none of those apply, he’s still a child.

Compromise is not about losing. It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do. -Donna Martini

I understand not comprising all the time and defending your core values, health and safety without compromise, but Vick’s sentiments touched on the little things and the big things. Everything. He stated his refusal to compromise with such conviction as if this behavior proved a history of successful relationships. Nope. I used the simplest example to clarify the nonsense and asked, well what about a movie? She wants to see X and you want to see Y. You’d never bend to see X for her? To which he replied why should I be doing things I don’t want to do?

Hogwash. What is any relationship without compromise? Or life, really? Good luck with that, Vick.

Needless to say, I was physically and emotionally unable to carry another conversation of that depth after learning his feelings on the matter. We didn’t date and it’s impossible to agree on every subject, but it’s pretty impossible to have an adult conversation with someone who responds like a toddler. I don’t look at any relationships—amorous, familial or professional—as if I am losing something when I bend to the other person’s wishes; if it’s a difficult compromise, I try to focus on what I gain instead of what I “lose” —if anything. Sometimes a compromise will grant me peace. Compromising can make the day for someone I love. Mostly, it’s just fair and right to compromise. And in life, there is so much compromise! Think about how different things would be if you didn’t compromise or no one compromised for you.

❤

29 thoughts on “week forty: on relationships + compromise”

  2. If no one compromised for you – That says it all. If no one did we’d be in the depths of despair. And thus it’s only fair to make comprises and spread a little kindness. But in this self-indulgent world, we sadly see too many people like your friend Vick. Great post.

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    1. Understood. I don’t believe there are separate wins and losses within a relationship. Assisting in your partner’s happiness and wellbeing is always a win for both.

      I appreciate you reading and chiming in!

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  5. I’m probably going to be the odd-man out here, but in the past five years or so, I’ve adopted Eartha Kitt’s words, “Compromise for what?” I think it’s because for so long, I didn’t know what I really wanted or liked and ended up just doing what my husband wanted. Then, there are the times when he compromises but complains the whole time because we’re doing something he doesn’t want to do. Consequently, I know only do things I desire. It may sound silly, but something as small as watching another superhero movie. I’ve agreed to go to one with him; he understands this. He agrees to go to the beach once with me. And then we have things we like doing together, like traveling. So far, this has worked a lot better than an expectation of compromise just because we’re in relationship.

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    1. I love it, Doc. For real. My parents are exactly the same now; my mom just does things solo or with a friend, my nephew or with me and my sister instead of my dad because he will agree and not shut up about the other things he could be doing! So it works! Vick’s inflexibility is what I don’t think will work… but I’ll never know.

      As always, I appreciate your input!

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  6. I guess we do compromise all of the time, like with this job that I don’t 100 percent love. I have compromised my complete joy by sticking in it because at the moment it is my biggest means of income. And I like Dr. Garland’s repsonse. I am on the “why compromise” stance. To me it seems like if you have to keep compromising (in a relationship I’ll say) then how are you being true to who you are? And vice versa. If the other person always haves to compromise to meet your wishes how are they being true to self. Maybe the frequency that they both are on is just different. Find a way to agree on that and move forward as friends or nothing at all. Whatever works for the two. But that could be it as well. People could view what it means to compromise completely different that the next man/woman.

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    2. That’s true! Compromise can look different in every relationship.

      And Keyword: always. I don’t think you should always compromise and neither should your partner. Relationships are a give and take dance and you just settle into a groove that is equally beneficial. Like I hate making the bed and cleaning the tub, but who else is gonna do it to my liking? Not the best example, but I do it without complaints because a clean tub and comforting bed is what I enjoy seeing. And when you bend to your partner’s wishes, it should be because you know it’s for the best. I don’t think it takes away from who you truly are.

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      1. I understand what you mean. I think I am taking compromise to the extreme sense of the word. I bend a little sometimes. But when your body is this rock solid it’s hard to bend. (LMAO! Just joking… Or am I?) That actually made no sense, because as solid as I may be, I’m flexible af. Lol. Don’t mind me. I’m feeling goofy.

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  10. Appreciate your point about how you can both defend your core values and compromise in relationships! I feel like it’s important to learn how to do both even if it can be difficult to discern when you’re compromising to the point of sacrificing your values vs. trying to maintain a healthy relationship. Great food for thought though.

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