week 41: Owning It — a repost + personal commentary

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There are some days that we don’t take a moment to reflect on exactly why people treat us the way that they do. Did we offend them? Did I say something or do something to make people think I am disrespectful? The look on my face often gives people the impression that I am aggravated […]

via @ShashaSelflove 9/11/18 – Owning It — @ShashaSelflove

Word! Accountability is a huge subcategory of honesty. Holding yourself accountable is one of the most grown up things you can do. I am constantly telling my five year old nephew to question his actions. I ask how would you feel if (insert loving relative) did that to you? How does it feel when I don’t listen to you? Why do you feel the need to (insert irritating only child tendency)? 

These questions are not rhetorical and require a response. I want him to really think about the answers, and I tell him that.

Nonetheless, he is five and these short talks usually end with a tickle, high-five or hug.  But I do recognize that adults more than 6x his age need to be handled with the same kid gloves, including me. Accountability is vital, but sometimes arduous. It’s easier to point fingers, embellish an argument in your favor or play victim than to say girl! You don’ fugged up! I am a work in progress. I can be so hard on myself and forget that I’m allowed an occasional lapse.

But when time lessens the pain, I can often laugh at myself. I can write a letter to those I regret hurting or confusing as well as those I gave the power to hurt me, tell them how I should have handled things and hope they receive that energy. I can snigger and smh at the men that drained my spirit and tear ducts. But it takes consistent practice. It takes reflecting; why am I angry? What was the trigger? What can I do better next time? And it takes knowing that you and a loved one are on the same team, so if one of you is hurt by the other’s actions, neither of you are winning. And if you don’t care enough to work through it, take care of yourself and cut the ties, as short or as long as need be. Sometimes silence is all I can give. Sometimes their refusal to accept their part is unacceptable.

Other times though, a sincere apology and a wholehearted attempt to never repeat the offense is necessary, admirable, damn near chic and oh so grown up. And a lot of us need to grow up.

 

 

photo found via Pinterest; no copyright infringement intended.

 

 

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week 27: Honesty is Healing

Many gems were dropped this weekend at 4:45, a conversation and art exhibition. The theme was the state of relations between Black women and Black men with back burner influence from The Carters'(Bey and Jay) upcoming tour and their past albums: Lemonade and 4:44. Although I’ve yet to listen to either album, I like how the host tied it all together to moderate such a necessary conversation.

I always desire to see more brothers present in these spaces, but we were lucky to have Free on the panel. Like I said, there were gems all over, but when asked what is healing? What is healing? We hear the word so much but what IS it??, Free simply said “honesty is healing”. Y’all, that statement stuck. It’s my biggest takeaway from this experience.

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I take it literally: if you are honest with yourself, you will heal. Honest means finding and admitting the roots of your issues. It means knowing why certain things make you angry or why you feel so empty. It means no one will get a smile out of you today because, dammit, you just don’t have the energy to give one. Being honest is saying no when you want to say no and saying yes when you want to say yes. Honesty is sharing these truths with your tribe so they know what tf is up.

Simple enough, right??

Wrong! I understand we wear different masks in different settings, but when it comes to a point where you cannot even remove it in the presence of the ones who (are supposed to) accept you or in your home, that’s a problem. The truth behind the mask is silenced. And too many of us are not honest that there is an actual issue… or we’re dishonest about what the issue is or how it affects us. Then comes the burnout, the exhaustion and  resentment from having to be someone you’re not.

The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.-Oprah Winfrey

Whyyyyyy do we do this? I say because it’s familiar, comfortable. Maybe all we know is pain or silence. Maybe we are fearful of being left alone in the darkness if we are more truthful about who we are, what hurts us and what we want. I’ve been that little girl, scared to tell my grandma my shoes were too tight for fear of being given something to cry about. (Her words.) I’ve been that young woman, treading lightly—careful not to mention my big goals, just so I could get a second date. Pretty sad, right. The good thing that I learned early (early 20s) is that yes, people will be intimidated by women who are intelligent, confident, articulate, headstrong and ambitious who (seemingly) don’t need them. BUT it will intrigue others who are secure with themselves—men who know they can be a good friend, a dependable partner and a great lover. The vibe is similar for those platonic friends or business acquaintances you attract.

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The result of 4:45 is to recognize what we need and give whatever that is to ourselves which, of course, will allow others to pour into us properly. This work is a continuous evolution, a never-ending commitment to bettering ourselves and growing. Black men and Black women are invaluable to one another, but we have to put in the work to maintain positive bonds, and I think the work starts with being honest. As mentioned in a recent post, you can’t heal what you don’t reveal, right.

What do you think, family? How do you define healing? What could we use most right now? What could you use most?

P.S. Please give Antres, Rochelle and Free a read and a follow for more content like this.
Happy healing ❤
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rejected {a reblog}

Please show ShaSha some love on the original post 🖤 “It’s quite all right, we just didn’t work out.” “Mercury was in retrograde.” “It wasn’t the right time.” Insert cliche saying here…etc, etc, etc. But did they ever take the time to get to know you in the first place? Did they look to find […]

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Love Is..

Love is commitment. Love is not always understanding them, but trying to. Love is knowing that when life gets too heavy, you have them to spot you. Love is both words and action. Love is when your mistakes are your fault alone and making excuses is too risky so your only option is to try […]

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I wonder.. {a reblog}

Should I dumb down my intelligence to seem relevant To fit in with crowd as not to intimidate others I wonder… Should I speak in slang wa gwarns that’s nang gang gang gang Do I scare them off because I’m not superficial just concerned with their beauty it’s the substance within that will hold […] via […]

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